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Test/first entry~
Oct. 27th, 2025 07:22 pmI was really angry for some reason a couple of minutes ago(can't remember why at all!!!!), so I decided to make this blog thingy so I could let off all the vile.
However I thought "I should make everything pretty first" so I made the theme all pink and cute, by now I'm much calmer, so I guess it somehow helped.
Making profiles on random cool pages I find has been an emotional outlet for me for the past year, it started with carrd and now I have like +20 different carrds each with a different purpose because 1)it is really fun making them 2)they can get cluttered and hard to manage really quickly so it's better to not make each carrd too big, as it can also take ages to load...
Anyways, I should really keep working on my owed stuff before thinking about "creative and emotional outlets", but without weed, cigs, alcohol, or meds, feeling fulfilled has been really hard lately.
I went to a psyquiatrist some months ago to maybe get meds, but I wasn't able to properly articulate why I felt so miserable "despite having a committed partner, great parents, 2 cats, and being pretty" so he just told me to "commit as much as your partner, it seems you're playing with them, and maybe get married and have a child, that should fulfill you", he prescribed me fluoxetine which only made me feel worse, so I just never thought about going to any form of mental health doctor again.
Anyways!!! Using carrd as an starting point I lowkey learned how to code simple things, mostly edit existing code and knowing what does what, I still have a huge way to go until I can code from scratch.
It makes me a bit sad I never learned before, I've been so sad and depressed all my life I never really explored much of my interest until a couple of years ago!!! Many of the things I "like" I only know about on a very surface level, so I'm too weird for most people but a "poser" for others. It feels weird.
I guess another emotional outlet I have is selfshipping, but being a non-sharing selfshipper is another can of worms I don't feel like opening about right now. It's just something you can't help feeling and dislike so much about yourself, knowing there's no other way for you other than getting over it and maybe therapy is awful lmfao
So I'll just isolate myself!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe the thing I like so much about this kind of pages is the weird isolating feeling it gives me.
Everything feels connected, but at the same time I don't feel observed, I feel like a passerby on the street you might remember because they looked cool- but their face is blurry in your memory and you'll never see them again to check a second time.
Maybe I just really want to be left alone!!!!!!!!!!!
It's getting really cold lately
However I thought "I should make everything pretty first" so I made the theme all pink and cute, by now I'm much calmer, so I guess it somehow helped.
Making profiles on random cool pages I find has been an emotional outlet for me for the past year, it started with carrd and now I have like +20 different carrds each with a different purpose because 1)it is really fun making them 2)they can get cluttered and hard to manage really quickly so it's better to not make each carrd too big, as it can also take ages to load...
Anyways, I should really keep working on my owed stuff before thinking about "creative and emotional outlets", but without weed, cigs, alcohol, or meds, feeling fulfilled has been really hard lately.
I went to a psyquiatrist some months ago to maybe get meds, but I wasn't able to properly articulate why I felt so miserable "despite having a committed partner, great parents, 2 cats, and being pretty" so he just told me to "commit as much as your partner, it seems you're playing with them, and maybe get married and have a child, that should fulfill you", he prescribed me fluoxetine which only made me feel worse, so I just never thought about going to any form of mental health doctor again.
Anyways!!! Using carrd as an starting point I lowkey learned how to code simple things, mostly edit existing code and knowing what does what, I still have a huge way to go until I can code from scratch.
It makes me a bit sad I never learned before, I've been so sad and depressed all my life I never really explored much of my interest until a couple of years ago!!! Many of the things I "like" I only know about on a very surface level, so I'm too weird for most people but a "poser" for others. It feels weird.
I guess another emotional outlet I have is selfshipping, but being a non-sharing selfshipper is another can of worms I don't feel like opening about right now. It's just something you can't help feeling and dislike so much about yourself, knowing there's no other way for you other than getting over it and maybe therapy is awful lmfao
So I'll just isolate myself!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe the thing I like so much about this kind of pages is the weird isolating feeling it gives me.
Everything feels connected, but at the same time I don't feel observed, I feel like a passerby on the street you might remember because they looked cool- but their face is blurry in your memory and you'll never see them again to check a second time.
Maybe I just really want to be left alone!!!!!!!!!!!
It's getting really cold lately
